After Vice President Kamala Harris announced she was running for president, one criticism lobbed against her was that she is not a parent because she has never given birth to children. But she is the stepmother to her husband Doug Emhoff's two children.
I am no longer in a relationship with his father and have been in a new relationship for four years. My wife came into my son's life when he was 6 years old and quickly stepped into a parental role. It was a role she enthusiastically took on.
Although she didn't give birth to my son, my wife is absolutely his second mother.
My son and wife's relationship started friendly
My wife didn't immediately take an authoritative role or force him to treat her like a parent. At first, she was more like a grown-up friend — someone he knew he needed to respect, but someone who would take him on drives to get ice cream or let him pretend to drive her car while I was inside the grocery store.
I was worried about parenting with another person all the time. As the primary parent, I wasn't used to dividing parenting duties. My wife was aware of that and always deferred to me as the primary parent.
But the bond between my son and my wife was instant. He had never met someone I was dating before, but he liked her immediately.
My wife has taken on more responsibility as a stepmom
Over the last four years, she's taken on more parental responsibility but never tried to act like she was more of a parent than myself or my son's father. She is a bonus mom, someone there to kiss him goodnight, help him with his homework, and love him unconditionally.
During the pandemic, my wife volunteered to take the lead in helping my son with virtual school so I could focus on work. She created a schedule for him, made him lunch, and ensured he kept up with assignments. When the playgrounds opened, she would take him to play, armed with a backpack full of whatever was needed.
I have gone on several overnight trips, leaving the two of them alone together. My son doesn't even call or text me when I'm gone because he's having so much fun hanging out with my wife. I never have to worry about him; I know my wife will make sure he takes a bath and goes to bed on time.
There are days when I will ask her to tag in and do the bedtime routine because I'm working or want a break, and she does it without question. My son knows that if he needs something, he doesn't have to come to me all the time.
Seeing my wife willingly step into a parental role with my son has strengthened our relationship. I knew I loved her almost immediately after we met, but seeing how my son responded to her made me more secure in my decision.
Sometimes, she still refers to him as mine, and I always remind her that she's his mom, too. We do everything as a team: school meetings, performances, birthday parties. Everyone knows us as his two moms, and there's no one else I could imagine doing this with.
My son now sees my wife as the missing piece to our family puzzle. He proudly claims her as his other mom.
"You're my mom too," my son will say when my wife calls herself his stepmom. He made that decision. My wife never wanted to force a close relationship on him, but he pushed for it.
Media has warped the perception of stepmoms
Popular media depictions of stepmoms are largely negative. The common trope is that they're evil.
For example, you have characters like Meredith Blake in the Lindsay Lohan version of "The Parent Trap," the Baroness von Schraeder in "The Sound of Music," and, of course, the prototype: Cinderella's Evil Stepmother.
These women are always seen as temptresses who come in and seduce the father into marrying them before revealing they intend to get rid of his daughter so that she will be the only woman in his life.
Maybe there are stepmoms out there who fit this description, but by and large, stepmoms are there to be whoever their step kids want them to be.
I know that's exactly the role my wife plays, and my son and I are all the more lucky for it.
FAQs
The symptoms include preoccupation with position in the family, feelings of anxiety, rejection, ineffectiveness, guilt, hostility, and exhaustion; loss of self-esteem; and overcompensation.
Is a widow still a stepmother? ›
Generally speaking, if you have provided guidance to your stepchildren during the course of your marriage, and if you remain involved in those children's lives, then it is likely you will continue to be thought of as their step-parent even after the loss of life.
Can a stepmother replace a mother? ›
Whether the re-partnering is a result of divorce, a breakup, or death, you can never replace the child's other parent and should not attempt to.
When a stepmother is overstepping her boundaries? ›
The Impact of Stepparents Overstepping Boundaries
When their boundaries are violated, children tend to feel isolated, controlled, and in turn, angry. They might become more oppositional and display defiant or aggressive behavior, or they might internalize the pain and become depressed or closed off5.
What is a toxic step-parent behavior? ›
"Toxic step-parent behavior includes favoritism, manipulation, or excessive control. These actions can harm the child's well-being and strain family relationships. Healthy communication, mutual respect, and setting clear boundaries are essential to avoid toxic behaviors and promote a nurturing family environment."
What should a stepmother never say? ›
"I'll get it," "I'll drive," "I'll wash it," "Forget about me," etc. Don't let your stepkids (or their father) turn you into the creature everyone in the world resents: a martyr. Martyrs make people feel creepy and guilty, and when kids feel that way, they generally act out.
Can I leave my stepchildren nothing if my husband dies? ›
Unless you've adopted them, your step-children have no legal right to an inheritance from you—even if you die without a will. Step-children don't have inheritance rights. So if you don't want to leave anything to your step-children, you don't have to do anything.
Are you still a stepparent if your spouse dies? ›
Legally speaking, you are not considered to be a step-parent after your spouse dies. You can apply for child custody, but it must be granted by the courts.
Do most widows remarry? ›
One of the statistics Keogh cites is how within two years of becoming a widower, 61% of widowed men find themselves in a serious relationship or had remarried compared to only 19% of widows. Keogh writes, “widowers are eight times more likely to remarry over their lifetimes vs.
Should a stepmom be called mom? ›
Here's the deal: If you force your child either way, that's just the wrong way to go about things. This choice should be left up to the child, and what they feel is comfortable. If the child is not ready to call a step-parent by “mom” or “dad”, then insisting upon it is going to complicate matters.
For purposes of subdivision (d) of Labor Code Section 2066, "immediate family member" means spouse, domestic partner, cohabitant, child, stepchild, grandchild, parent, stepparent, mother-in-law, father-in-law, son-in-law, daughter-in-law, grandparent, great grandparent, brother, sister, half-brother, half-sister, ...
What are the rights of a stepmother? ›
Should stepparents have the same rights as parents? No they are only married to a parent so only have the rights the child's actual parents gives them. After divorce they have no rights at all and may never see them again. A step child may have two step parents and doesn't need that many who have rights over them.
Can I sue my stepmother for emotional distress? ›
Yes, if a family member's actions have caused you emotional distress in a manner that has significantly impacted your life, you may be able to sue them for the emotional distress you are suffering or have suffered.
Why do step parents get jealous? ›
A stepparent may suffer from feelings of jealousy, insecurity, comparison or discomfort when their partner has a good relationship with their ex. There is sometimes a fear of the partner reconciling with their ex and feelings of not being good enough.
What is expected of a stepmother? ›
Focus on building trust with the children by being consistent, reliable, and supportive. Follow their lead, be present in their lives, participate in their activities, and show genuine interest in their well-being.
What is the stepmother effect? ›
In evolutionary psychology, the Cinderella effect describes the phenomenon of a higher incidence of child abuse and mistreatment by stepparents than biological parents. It takes its name from the fairy tale character Cinderella, a girl who is mistreated by her stepmother and stepsisters.
What is the Wicked stepmother syndrome? ›
The symptoms include: preoccupation with position in the family, feelings of anxiety, rejection, ineffectiveness, guilt, hostility and exhaustion, loss of self-esteem and overcompensation.
What psychological disorder did Cinderella have? ›
Cinderella demonstrates dysphoria that is precipitated by the untimely death of her father [00:02:25] and perpetuated by the abject emotional abuse of her step-family.
What is the diagnosis in stepmom? ›
After a long string of arguments and hurt feelings involving Isabel, Jackie and Anna, Luke proposes to Isabel, making her Anna and Ben's soon-to-be official stepmom. This causes even more friction. However, Jackie is diagnosed with lymphoma, which is discovered to be terminal.
